So, I have one hour before I leave to see my therapist, it’s been a while since I have last seen her and during this time I’ve been living, literally, in a roller coaster of emotions, I need to tell her so many things, still I don’t want to tell her everything, as a friend of mine said once: “There are secrets you can’t even dare to tell yourself, imagine your therapist”. And she is entirely right, there are secrets that I keep in a very deep place inside my mind, and I know I am not the only one, everybody has these kind of secrets, problem is: I think mine is a very serious one, an insalubrious one. I know I gotta let it off my chest (better: mind) and let it go, but it is really hard, I feel so doubtful about it and it makes me so sick but I can’t just control it, I am trying so hard not to do that again, but after all that’s happened to me and all that is happening right now, it is just really hard.
~I’m back from my therapy~
I am very aware of all my issues and I, now, can actually recognize some of them and thus fight them, as my therapist says: “self-knowledge is everything”. I cannot help but agree because that is the key to fight your demons, to get out of that dark place, that is the key that opens the door where the light comes from, I am working on that, on fighting and recognizing what is wrong to turn it right and learn a lesson from it.
After seeing my therapist today I’m feeling great, I mean I woke up sad about nothing, but the session was so okay and I was able to tell her everything I needed and she got so happy that I had planned everything, it worked out so well!! I think it helped me enhance my self-esteem, so now I feel a lot better, as I said before: A roller coaster of emotions.
My life has been turned upside-down, I guess this is why I am so emotionally unstable now. It is a mess, and trying to put it all in order again is stressing me out a lot, since my whole family is involved in this mess and I don’t have any control about it, everything got out of my hands and everyone had to pick their sides, some are against me (which hurts me so deeply) and some are on my side (just a few of them, but that makes incredibly happy). What happened for this all take-sides-thing to happen was horrendous and I am not proud of it. It is so unresolved and the justice is not helping either. I need to be so careful with everything I say or do not to hurt my family (more than I’ve done). I feel like I’m walking on thin ice with them, everything needs to be thought twice before said. But for now I am fine, I still need to go my English class, I am going to take the CAE exam, so I need to prepare. I am just so nervous about it, I feel like I am going to fail! I know I have to fight against it and believe in my potential, but this is a huge test so for me it is a huge monster I have to fight, and I fighting my best, I promise.
I know I own all of you my history but I am going to stop here, maybe next post I tell it, xoxo,