Okay, I have no idea of how to start writing this, I mean it’s been so long and I have been through so many situations… (bad and good) and I have no idea of how to tell them.
First: I want to apologize for being away for so long. I had my finals (got 2 results already and I am Approved) and also the CAE (Cambridge Advanced English) Exam and I am SURE I am not passing it. (TOTALLY FAILING THIS ONE) (Burning in hell because of that!!!). So I spent the last few weeks just studying like crazy (specially for the CAE).
Second: Okay, I have no idea of how to start, I know I own my history but I know if now it is the right time to tell. I mean these past weeks were really hard, the Manchester tragedy hit me in a way I can’t describe, even if I wanted to, it was too much. I just wanna know how someone can do this and still live with that, like I have made plans to kill myself but killing yourself is totally different from killing innocent people, kids, I mean KIDS, come on, how can someone plan that? I think this is sick and they should seek help but who am I to say something and judge someone right?
Okay it’s been a few days since I have started writing this, I couldn’t finish I was feeling too bad to keep writing, now I feel better, just tired as always.
Well, as I said it started to feel really bad after this but I could still control it, I mean it was not so bad I could deal with it, then everything was getting worse and worse but I could ignore it, I was studying hard so my mind was very busy to deal with feelings and all the shit (sorry the word though) that comes within. After failing the CAE exam everything just got worse because I had spent so much time on that, and then passing the answers to the answer sheet in the wrong order just makes me hate myself. I mean how can I be so stupid? then after that I went straight to uni to take my last exam (this week I got the results and I passed everything YAY, at least that right?). I am so anxious about the CAE results because I know I won’t pass but deep inside I want to and deep inside I hear a voice that says “Well, maybe?” and to be honest I want to shut this voice down before it gives me hope and then I will get disappointed again. I ha disappointments I cannot deal with and just feel stupid and dumb and ashamed and incapable of doing something right, IT IS SO TIRING.
Well, after everything had passed I got sad, I mean really sad (depressed) and my aunt was here (in the city I live in) (Also I live in her apartment) and she went to my cousin’s (who is pregnant). So she called me and asked me if I wanted to go there (my cousin’s place) and I said I didn’t know because I was sad.) and she said that my cousin’s husband had already called her and asked for her to pick me up and I just had a few minutes to get ready, so I just got my purse and went downstairs to wait for her, when she came we got to her house and it was FULL OF PEOPLE. I thought it was going to be just me and my aunt her and her husband, but when we got there, there his family was, his parents and sister. Don’t get me wrong please, but I was not in the mood to see people, specially happy people, I mean I love the fact they are happy and everything but I wasn’t n the mood, I didn’t want to be there in the first place, then I went to the bedroom and his sister was there so I came back to the living room and started to watch TV with his father, but I was not comfortable I just wanted to hide and cry and also my head was just running a thousand miles per minute, I just was thinking that they weren’t happy I was there, that they hated me and that I was bothering everyone. I was so anxious and all of a sudden everything was too much, I was freaking tired of my life, but there I was sitting on the couch watching TV like I was fine, then F’s husband arrived (YAY MORE PEOPLE) F is the sister of my cousin’s husband. Well I used to like F’s husband until the day he started to make fun of me because of my ny new hairstyle. Well I knew she would leave me the bedroom and it would be free for me to hide and there I went, I didn’t cry or anything I just stayed there talking to my friend on iMessage she helped me so much, you have no idea, I wish I meet her one day, she is very special! everyone needs a friend like her. After some time my aunt came in and stayed there with me then my cousin who was getting ready to a party came in as well, she knew something was wrong I mean she’s known me since I was born right? She didn’t say anything she was tired, she had worked all day and had a party to attend after some time she and her mother-in-law got out of the room and called everyone out to have dinner then me and my aunt went to the kitchen BUT I don’t like chicken or fish and that was what they were having for dinner so I said I didn’t want anything, I wasn’t in the mood for food either. Then I was there again in the living room, just so you know my cousin’s father-in-law is very funny and loves to make jokes, and then he started t make jokes about me (not bad ones) just about how well I was eating the last few times he had seen me and that I was not eating anymore and that I was back to normal and saying he wanted me behaving abnormally again so I would eat and it was funny the way he said that but I was not really in the mood, I stood up and gave them a smile and went back to the bedroom, and this time I cried, I was feeling so uncomfortable and my head (thoughts) were making me so paranoid I could not handle that anymore, then I locked myself in the bedroom and cried, after a few minutes my cousin came (and that’s where shit starts), she knocked on the door (first she tried to open but once it locked she couldn’t) and I opened and she was very mad, she closed the door and started yelling at me, asking what was wrong that she couldn’t understand it one day I am too happy and the other day I am depressed she said it was too much, I get she was stressed out, she worked the entire day and she is caring a child who is getting heavier and heavier but now I don’t think what she did to me was right (yeah I said now). All I actually could do was just cry harder and said that I was tired and she went like “tired of doing what? You don’t do anything” I mean I was so frustrated with the CAE exam but no one bothered to ask it, no one bothered to ask how my week was, because it was a living hell, but wh cares, I cannot get sad, it is a crime. Then she did one thing that I would never (like ever) expect her to do, she came up to me grabbed my shoulders and started to shake me, like I was possessed by the worst demon you can imagine, I never felt so upset and ashamed and humiliated in my life, for a few seconds I looked at her in the eyes and all I could see was anger, I looked down and then closed my eyes and cried like never before, I was sobbing so much that I couldn’t breath in, I felt so guilty for making her behave like this, I mean she is always the one who comes and sit and talk but there she was shaking me like I was a person out of control, this was one of the saddest moments of my life. Then my aunt came, before she turn the knob open it made a noise and that was when my cousin released me (YES released!!) then my aunt came and asked why I was crying so hard, I didn’t answer anything I could hardly breathe then my cousin just said she was trying to talk to me, then my cousin left the room and my aunt stayed there with me, hearing me crying my heart out, or soul out, I was so upset, feeling so guilty I couldn’t believe my cousin had done that, I felt like I was the worst person in the world for making that happen. When I could talk again I sent my friend an audio message saying what had happened and she was there for me, it was late for her, but there she was trying to comfort me and I was so thankful (I know you are reading this, thank you so much, I love you!). Then I sent another audio to a group of friends I have and no one actually heard that, then I called my friend P, who lives in the same city as I do, by this time my aunt was back in the living room with the people and my cousin and her husband were long gone (to the party I mean) and my friend P was worried as hell, I was still crying like crazy, and she said “I am going to your house now” and then I got ready to come back to my house and said to my aunt I was going home, then she said she wanted to come back too (since it is actually her house not mine) then mu cousin’s father-and-mother-in-law brough us back home and then I was checking to see if some of my friend (on the group chat had seen the message and just one actually heard it, the others had just ignored me, like they always do when I send audio messages, I mean it wasn’t the first time but I was in such a dark place that I felt like the hated me and that I bothered everyone there and I felt so bad that I left the group, I was just feeling alone and I want to talk to other friends but then P came and we hugged and I cried for what felt like hours, then after that we talked and then a notification popped up on my cell phone and I saw that someone had put me back in the group but I was so upset with them that I didn’t really care I saw them sending messages but I didn’t bother myself to see what they were saying I just felt like I had lost everyone in my family, I still feel like this though. Then other friend of mine came to talk to me and ask what was wrong and I was surprised because I had not talked to about that, because I hadn’t had the chance, but there she was asking me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk and if I was feeling better, which I was, because I was not crying anymore. then we video chatted and I was okay (I mean I was still upset but I was not crying, I felt like it but I was controlling it). It meant so much to me to know that she cared, and she heard I was feeling like that because a mutual friends of our was worried about me and told her, that was when I realised that people in the group chat I left cared. we talked and talked until I feel better, I saw her dog (Which made me happy because I love her dog) Thank you for doing that, I love you. Then I went on the chat group to talk to my friends there and we solved everything out. Then me and my friend went to bed nd the other day we went to meet with another friends and have a day to relax and for me to calm down and have fun, then they came to my place and we played board games and then I was feeling better, I mean I can control it but I still feel sad about it.
Also my other friend Facetimed me (I LOVE HER SO FREAKING MUCH), and we were talking about everything, I mean I feel so happy to have such amazing friends!
She hasn’t talked to me since then and I feel so bad about it, like she is avoiding me, it is clear, because I sent her a message (by mistake of course because I am not this brave), it was supposed to go to my friend who has the same name as hers, but then it went to her chat, she hadn’t even seen it. She doesn’t want to talk to me, what hurts me the most is that she is supposed to give birth next month and I don’t think I will be there, as I has planned.
I just feel sad and guilty for everything now, but I don’t think she had the right to go inside that freaking bedroom and shook me like I was the devil, she should have left me alone there. had she done that we wouldn’t be like that and I wouldn’t be feeling so miserable.
This is everything for today, I am sorry for the mistakes and for this being so damn long, there are things that had happened these week that I didn’t mention because it is long enough.
If you made it until here THANK YOU SO MUCH! It means a lot, thank you for reading this.
Ps: Thank you to all my friends who were mentioned here, I love you all! ❤